Pain

I sometimes feel like there is an invisible barrier dividing me from the word. I exist on one side, and on the other side are all of the people who have not felt my pain. When I exist next to the "other person" I can sense a divide. This wall can’t be seen or heard, but it is always there in the back of my mind.

You, who know of my pain, is a comrade of a sorts. You understand why people talk of madness, and why they always deem the madman a dangerous uncontrollable being. I can smell their fear. The only way that they can coexist with such a great pain is to call it evil. Some instinctual part of them knows that if they touch the pain then they will be consumed.
Now to see this you must go beyond that thick rubbery coat of lies. You must hack off the mask of tolerance and kindness. Underneath there resides that fear of pain.

What is that pain?

I think you already know what it is.
I will tell you how it feels.
It slowly encroaches, and then it suddenly takes hold of me. It consumes me and becomes me. I no longer exist, for my being is unable to withstand the raging heat emanating from its core.

When I am the pain I sometimes bring an image into my mind. It is a metaphor of my pain, as this pain is too strong to be defined. My pain is a fire, and I am at the center of this great conflagration. The flames lick at my skin and feed off of my flesh. My being will slowly turn to ashes and dust in order to allow the flame to live on.

There is a moment while my body is burning that I am able to call up an image to placate my slowly dying body. So I choose to take a long silver dagger and to plunge it into me. I rip my flesh and pull myself apart. The blood and the sharp biting mouth of the dagger is the greatest comfort to me. Because it turns my pain into a tangible form that is kindly inviting when compared to the pain.

Now you may call me crazy or mad, but I think that you are simply afraid. If you accept my words for true, then you will be acknowledging the pain. And if you touch that flame, it will consume you. You are wise to call it madness.