The Burden of Guilt

God has tied me to Guilt. This burden is so heavy that I cannot free myself from its tenacious grasp. Guilt is the parasite that drinks my blood and draws upon my breaths. Sometimes I cannot breathe as I feel guilt crushing my chest. And then when I am finally able to draw a breath, it is Guilt that beats within me.

Sometimes I wish that I could stand before all of the people in my life and tell them the story of my Guilt. I would talk of all that makes me evil and of all the depraved and wicked things that I have done. Yet such a fantasy would be useless, for I must confess to God. It is God who has given me this massive burden, and somehow it is God who must take this burden away. Yet God no longer exists for me. He remains only as a shadow of my past. So you see that I am faced with a conundrum. It is only God who can take away the Guilt that he has given to me.

When I was very young God was able to sow the seed of Guilt within my heart. I knew with all of the certainty of my small mind that God existed. For I believed as all children do that my mother was perfect. My mother told me that God was real, and so I believed that God existed with the same sureness that I believed in my mother’s perfection. It was then that God placed guilt inside of me.

God does not exist, yet only he can cut the Guilt out from me. My Guilt continues to grow, and it has become a monster. It lives inside me, and it has almost destroyed me. I have tried to cut out the Guilt over and over. Yet after creating a hole and draining out the blood the Guilt simply grows.

If I could believe in God for one moment then I would be able to remove my Guilt. I would kill God, and with this death the guilty beast within me would vanish. Yet God can never be more than an idea from my past. And so I remain shackled to my Guilt.